“No man is an Island.” This phrase is from a longer, often quoted literary work by John Donne which means that no man is self sufficient, or totally independent from others, as we often believe. Every person needs connection, companionship, love, respect, trust, being understood and accepted. Man is a social animal and needs other people to survive and feel alive! It is also said that we are an an aggregate or an average of the five people we hang out with the most. The ‘self’ then is a beautiful and unique kaleidoscopic mish mash of the influence of others on us. From our family, friends, partners, to even teachers, mentors, colleagues, everyone has a part to play in moulding our personality and how we interpret the world. Feeling a connection with another human is a beautiful and organic or spontaneous thing which should be cherished.
But many times relationships, especially close ones are a source of pain, anguish, guilt or many negative emotions. This is mainly because of resistance to change or to accept the reality of the relationship. Our partners trigger us the most, but they are simply the triggers or vehicles that being up unconscious mental issues such as insecurity, fear of loss, wanting to control others behaviors, rejection sensitivity and so on. They are then, not the cause, but just a mirror for us to reflect our true selves back to us. It is indeed true that our relationships with others at any given moment are a reflection of our relationship with ourselves.
When it comes to addiction, people in recovery are taught to watch out for triggers, and learn to manage them better. For them, it is important to identify these triggers first and record what happens when the triggers show up. The record helps with one’s sensitivity to identify these triggers in their daily life and be able to distance themselves from their reaction to the triggers. Identifying is the first step to working on the triggers. Relationships, since they are by nature triggering and are vehicles to bring suppressed feelings and thoughts to the surface, become a sore spot for many addicts in recovery. Even for a person. Who isn’t an addict, they are difficult to navigate, so for addicts it’s becomes even more tough. So identification of triggers takes the utmost importance for an an individual suffering from addiction.
This article aims to bring to light the common relationship triggers for an addict in recovery.
1. Blaming the other for One’s emotions
The hardest pill to swallow is that one is responsible for their emotions. Even though others are accountable for their actions, 9th doesn’t change the fact that an emotion that continues to remain after the pain inducing event has gone, is still our responsibility as it is self generated. Even though others can be hurtful, we are still the masters of our narrative and we decide whether to put ourselves in those situations, with those people and draw boundaries or not. The partner or the addict blaming each other for what they feel is unhealthy and triggers the person, increasing a chance of relapse. Playing the blame game, from either side is a recipe for more mental health issues and does nothing to resolve conflict.
2. Non Acceptance of the partner
We all have somethings we want to change about ourself partners. But holding onto it and not accepting the person for who they are is a denial of reality. If the discomfort is too much, the choice to continue the relationship is yours. Going to couple counselling is also an option. But living in non acceptance and resisting the other person creates a lot of pain. Change, accept or remove yourself from the equation. All else is a self generated loop of pain. This non acceptance takes form of fights, the silent treatment, irritatibility, lack of communication or trust and so on. A huge trigger for an addict in recovery.
3. Bringing up the Past
“The axe remembers what the tree forgets.” A partner may bring up past events related to their partners addiction, that still haunts them. The addict in recovery feels belittled, frustrated or upset that they are reminded of this. But for their partner, it may be tough to let go of some events that have happened. Proper counselling and assertive emotional expression is needed for the partner to express themselves without causing damage to the other or the relationship. Healing from the past is what the partners have to do, individually and together, not just for the sake of the relationship but for themselves.
4. Partner’s use of substance
For an addict in recovery, it can be very triggering if they see their partner indulge in substances compulsively. For many, not even compulsive, but even normal use of substances by their partner can trigger cravings. Now, the partner, if is a compulsive drinker or user, needs treatment themselves regardless of whether they were as “bad” as the addict or not. If their usage is at normal levels and they don’t wish to abstain, they cannot be expected to abstain just for their partner. So a system has to be worked out so that the addict in recovery does not get too exposed to their partner’s udhar and the partner also doesn’t have to hide or feel pressured to abstain. This can easily be discussed in counseling sessions and worked around.
5. Lack of Communication and/or trust
Many couples will claim to trust and communicate with their partners, but unknowingly they may lack these factors in the relationship. This unconscious sabotage of the relationship can be due to patterns of either partner, early experiences, or issues within the relationship that have led to a lack of communication or trust. This is manifest itself through fights, feeling emotionally distant or unexpressive, lack of interest or just a superficial and functional relationship. To cultivate trust and improve communication one has to make efforts in simple ways, and usually counselling helps couple bridge the gap between them.
Though there are many relationship triggers that affect people, many of them fall into or stem from these five. Relationships are complex and evolving and need effort from both ends consistently. They can be a source of triggers but they can also be a well of support, insight, introspection and empathy. At Zorbacare rehabilitation center, Codependency counselling is done by our team of experts, psychologists, counsellors and peer recovery coaches, that helps people build this relationship and become a support system for each other. Recovery from addiction can be messy, complex and not always a rosy picture. Working on recovery involves reintegrating back into one’s connections with our partner, resolving conflict and building a strong support system. No man is an island and no man should be!
-Aashna Namle