Family is, for many people, the closest social system that one interacts with on a day-to-day basis. Our family structure, roles and patterns influence a lot of our conscious and unconscious behaviors, thoughts and emotions. Hence, when someone in the family suffers from a mental health issue, it may be a manifestation of systemic issues within the family. For instance, when a parent is overprotective about a child, the child may become dependent on the parent even when they become an adult, which can lead to toxic, emotionally dependent adult relationships. Or, experiences of seeing aggressive behavior can make a person prone to more aggressiveness or avoidant behaviors such as using substances.
This means that the family can be our biggest support but also a source of a lot of mental suffering.
When any member of the family is going through mental issues such as depression, anxiety, addiction, etc., the family should offer support to the person. Not just in the way that they see fit but support in the way that the individual needs. As many people are not well versed with mental health issues and how to handle them, they may, with all good intentions, end up indirectly harming the person’s mental health more. To help guide the family in how to support the person, here are some basic guidelines:
1) Educate yourself about mental health
Start by reading up on mental health and the specific issues that the person is going through. Understand the nature of the mental issue and how it can be treated. Make sure you go to reliable sources such as our blog or www.psychologytoday.com or go through articles which give references to research papers. Without proper information, you may end up aggravating the issue and become a risk factor for their mental health.
2) Suggest therapy
Instead of counselling the person or giving advice, suggest them to seek support through a professional who is experienced in the field. The person suffering from mental health issues may get offended when you suggest therapy, but put it out there that there is no shame in seeking help. Find out a few good therapists in your area and give them options.
3) Reduce your stigma
You may consciously or unconsciously, without your knowledge, display some prejudice towards mental health issues or their treatment. Watch your own stigma and negative beliefs about mental health issues and raise your awareness about them. If there is no issue in going to a physical doctor for your bodily problems then there is no shame or embarrassment in going to a therapist.
4) Watch your words
The words you use can trigger the person’s negative emotions, make them feel guilt or shame about their issues or become more guarded and refuse to share their problems. Saying things like, “It’s all in your head,” “You need to control your feelings,” “Don’t be upset,” “You’re acting crazy,” etc. are some of the crippling statements. The consequence of your words can be unprecedented so read up, see their response and keep learning on how to offer support in a better way. Use supportive and exploitative statements such as “Can you help me understand what you are feeling?” “I am there for you,” “I know you’re upset right now, how can I be there for you?” “Do you want a listening space or do you want my thoughts/ suggestions about this?”
5) Take their feedback
Ask them how you can support them better. If something that you’re doing with a positive intention is not working them, that means they are not ready for it. Expect resistance and when it comes, ask them what it is that you said or did that is hurting them. Be careful of becoming defensive, listen with an open mind. Work on how you can convey what you want to say without causing them emotional harm.
6) Offer to do fun or relaxing activities with them
Instead of pushing them to do what you think they should, offer to take them out for a meal, a movie or a picnic. Offer to do an activity that they enjoy or used to enjoy or a totally new activity. Be prepared to hear their no and ask them what they would like to do instead. If they just feel like being at home, ask them to accompany you while you cook or do a chore. Maybe introduce them to dance, meditation, art, poetry and do some hand holding if required.
7) Model positive behavior
Model the behavior that you expect out of them, keeping in mind their limitations of motivation or energy. Take care of your mental health by journaling, meditation, watching informative videos, exercise, hobbies, etc. In addition, make sure you process and resolve your own issues such as anger, negative self talk, blaming, etc. Model conflict resolution in the family by being patient, diffusing tension, being assertive and express emotions in a healthy way. They may pick up on these habits and try to apply them but don’t keep voicing out to them how they should follow your lead.
8) Be kinder on their rough days
A person with mental health issues may be prone to irritability, anger outbursts, ignoring others, eating unhealthily or many other behaviors. Don’t berate them or keep telling them what they ‘should’ be doing. Instead be kinder and ask them what is causing this day to be bad. Empathize with their situation and be sure to not impose your beliefs and your way of living on them. Show compassion and kindness by being gentle, offering a safe listening space, being nonjudgemental and expressing affection and love.
9) Be a good listener
Give the person ample opportunities to open up and speak. They may say hurtful things or blame someone but provide a listening space and if you have to say something be assertive and empathetic. This means you don’t need to be a doormat to them and you can tell them to not be hurtful to you. But blaming them for your emotional response is unwarranted. If another family member flares up into a heated argument, offer to speak to them privately. Remember that they are speaking from a place of suffering and are not necessarily trying to hurt you.
These points may appear to suggest that you as a family member needs to suppress your own emotions to be there for the person, but that is not the case. Be sure to take care of yourself and find a way to express yourself while being mindful of their emotions. Understand that each person is responsible for their emotional reactivity and has their own journey. So there is no need to sacrifice your mental peace for the other. And also, You cannot pour from an empty cup. So get therapy yourself, do meditations, exercise and take care of your mental health even if the other person is not ready.
At Zorbacare rehabilition center, we design programs which prioritize codependency counselling for family members who are emotionally dependent on each other. Family therapy is most effective when the person with mental health issues joins with the family members. But even if they do not agree, the family can still take therapy to identify their role in contributing to the person’s state of mind. Customized therapy in a rehabilitation set up is a key ingredient for the success of our programs with many clients who come in for substance dependence, depression, anxiety or other mental health problems. Our experts evaluate each client and design a tailor made treatment program for them with therapy as a basis for transformation. Therapy serves to strengthen our adaptive and positive patterns of behavior, thoughts and emotions. Just like regular exercise strengthens our body, helps improve energy and improves our immunity to various health issues, therapy is like exercise for the mind. It keeps our mental health in check, helps process and overcome negative patterns and builds our coping for challenging situations, thus helping us get most out of our lives.