It’s holiday time! A time of the year when the festive season is at the door, joyful celebrations, meetings, mouth watering delicacies and greeting guests with open arms are all the different charms that this time has to offer. Along with the celebrations, holiday time can also be stressful for some people, especially when situations with family or close ones are difficult. It is natural for all of us to feel that, but when it comes to a person in addiction recovery, holiday time is even more difficult and overwhelming. Interactions with others can cause anxiety, make one feel guilt or shame, feel less of a person, feel angry or misunderstood.
In the world of an person in recovery from addiction, the balance between their inner mental states and the external environment of responsibilities, work, etc. is like a delicately stacked tower of jenga blocks. Any slight deviation can cause a crash, any random trigger can send one down a rabbit hole of negative thoughts, anxiety, anger or guilt. Being a person in recovery is not easy, especially because even if you have changed, it is not necessary that the external world has changed. You will face the same triggers, conflicts with family members, tiffs at workplace, financial stress or any of the issues that have always been around. The responses to these triggers have to change over time, rather than waiting for the situation to change. Meeting close ones during holidays can be a great opportunity to practice one’s responses and be aware of one’s difficult thoughts and feelings without compulsively reacting to them. To know why these triggers come up in the first place, Let’s look at some of the common reasons for them so we can deal with them better.
1. There is a gap between expectations and reality
We have trouble accepting people for who they are and always want them to be or do something else. Especially when their behavior has hurt us in the past. Of course if someone’s behavior continues to hurt you, it is useful to keep some emotional distance from them, but usually these are people who are pretty close and it’s difficult to maintain that distance. But because we don’t surrender to what is, our idea of what we want it to be is a form of mental resistance to the reality. Accepting reality may be difficult but it reduces the pain of the situation drastically. Radical acceptance means to allow people and situations to be as they are and instead of creating mental resistance, learn to let go of our emotional reactions, expectations and beliefs about ‘shoulds’. This requires us to know that people will only act out of their capacity to be loving, comforting or understanding and when we see that without judgement it is easier to not expect from those who cannot deliver to our expectations.
2. There are unresolved issues from the past which keep resurfacing
Most of us have attachments to our emotional reactions and thoughts about past events. Unresolved conflict from the past can resurface during family dinners, meetings with loved ones and these attachments make it’s way to the surface of our minds. We believe that to resolve conflict we need to correct or point out what others did wrong or failed to do. But resolving conflict from the past has more to do with inner resolution and forgiveness rather than trying to solve it externally. The past is
Is supposed to help us adapt to the present but the past becomes to many a burden that we carry, a number of bondages that hold us in terms of beliefs, thoughts, emotions, pain and so on. To let go of the past we need to practice forgiveness and acceptance not just at the intellectual level but also the experiential level.
3. Lack of efficient Communication
The words we use are very impactful to others and ourselves and sometime we fail to communicate or be recipients of proper communication from others. Quite a few of us are not great at expressing our feelings or thoughts and sometimes we make mistakes. Communication is about expressing without the intent to harm others and resolve the issues that are existing. Even when someone is failing to communicate with us appropriately, we can always pause and respond assertively and practice patience, acceptance and kindness towards them. Toxic communication of course has to be stepped away from until both parties in a calmer state of mind to resolve the issue at hand.
4. Feeling like one is ‘made to’ engage with those that one doesn’t want to
We all have certain family responsibilities and formalities that are a part of the social etiquette. When we get dragged into such functions, conversations or traditions we feel resentful because we feel like we don’t have a choice. Whether we choose to play along or don’t, we can do so without internal resistance. Resistance takes the form of resentment, irritation, anger or social anxiety. Making the shift towards acceptance entails that even if we are engaging in social situations that we don’t want to, we don’t get attached to thoughts that make us oppose the situation. We let those thoughts pass and find a way to enjoy parts of the situation, or be okay with some amount of discomfort.
5. Lack of trust
Family members not trusting a person in recovery to not drink or use is a major reason for getting triggered. This distrust may come from fear that the person will relapse based on their past experiences with the person when they were addicted. The fear is coming out of a place of concern most of the times. The person in recovery need not feel the need to prove their recovery to their close ones, but has to keep in mind that trust building takes time. Just as their perception of an impending relapse has formed over years of watching the person in addiction, trust that the person won’t relapse builds overtime. Being kind to them and to yourself is key in building trust and a stronger connection.
There may be many more reasons for being triggered and definitely being patient and forgiving is not easy to do. But recovery is not just about letting go of your addiction to substance, it is also about letting go of addiction to negative thoughts about people, events and the self. The process of rehabilitation should prepare an individual to take care of their mental health and not just their cravings for substance. At Zorbacare Rehabilitation center, Relapse prevention is an important part of our therapeutic process. Learning to handle not just cravings but triggers for different emotions is an important life skill. Cultivating patience, compassion, kindness, empathy, communication skills, are key in maintaining ones recovery.
– Aashna Namle