Take a pause right now and shift your attention to your thoughts. What were you thinking? Was there any commentary on something, or planning for something, or remembering something you have to do? Was there some image or some memory in your mind? Even if you were mindlessly scrolling, was something going on in the background of your mind? Chances are, yes. Half formed thoughts, words, images, ideas, or even wondering about your next meal or the next task may have been going on in the foreground or background of your mind.
We are more or less constantly talking to ourselves. There is an inner dialogue which guides us, helps us adapt, solve problems, make decisions, take action. It’s important for our very survival this self talk that we do. However, most of us are unaware that we engage in this self talk so consistently and most of us are also unaware of the nature of that self talk. Is it healthy, is it kind, is it even helpful to us, we are not really paying attention to it. And many times, this self talk becomes increasingly toxic, negative and we kind of get in our way. In this article we hope to highlight some of the ways in which our self talk becomes toxic.
1. We use harsh labels about ourselves
“I’m such a mess!” “I’m a failure.” “I’m a bad son.” “Why do I have be so stupid?” “I feel like a crazy person!” So many times, we use unhelpful labels for ourselves which reduce us down to one negative adjective. We ignore the multifaceted complex person that we are and we choose to look at one aspect of ourselves which we use to beat ourselves us. This self talk is toxic because it lowers our self-worth, makes us have a biased and negative self image and doesn’t really help us adapt or change anything. We may believe it is ‘tough love’ that will motivate us but it has a deep impact on our psyche in the long run.
2. We criticize ourselves excessively
Many times we don’t allow ourselves to make mistakes, we beat ourselves up over small mistakes or even recall things from the past to critique ourselves. Now there is a healthy level of self examination and working on your issues, but when self criticism becomes excessive, it may actually hinder us from making change, resulting in increased anxiety, pressure and even depression. We may genuinely start to believe that we are unworthy, not capable, unlovable, inadequate. In a relationship of two people if one person starts doing this to the other, it would be considered toxic, and so it is when we do it to ourselves.
3. We make negative predictions about ourselves
We may believe that what we do doesn’t matter, or that we may fail, or remain stuck, or give up, or even have a miserable fortune. A pessimistic attitude develops and we stop feeling very hopeful about ourselves or our lives. We are setting ourselves up for failure, and it becomes sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. Because we don’t believe in ourselves, we put half baked efforts and may consciously or unconsciously self sabotage. These negative predictions slowly may take away our drive, our desire to so anything and can be detrimental to our mental health.
4. We don’t balance work, rest and play in our minds
We may always be thinking of what more needs to be done, what we should be doing. Self talk becomes a checklist and we become machines running around go fill those boxes. In this way, even fun things can seem like chores. Rest can seem like a waste of time. Play or recreation, doing things just to have fun, become limited to sometimes even unhealthy. There has to be a mental balance between being productive, then letting our minds and bodies rest (maybe through meditation, relaxation, sleep, etc), and play which is to be spontaneous, and engage in life or with others playfully (dance, art, playing games, enjoying a meal, singing, etc.). We can work towards creating that balance in our self talk and hence improve our relationship with ourselves.
At ZorbaCare Rehabilitation Center, Pune, we aim to help client’s overcome drug or alcohol addiction and even other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, aggressive behavior, and so on. Our purpose is to help people create a safe and healthy relationship with themselves and find mental well-being and satisfaction in their lives. Toxic Self talk forms a big part of issues faced by lots of our clients. Employing Cognitive Behavioral therapy tools, the Twelve Step program and other therapy modalities like DBT, MBCT and so on, we curate individualized programs for our clients. Mental healthcare, this requires identifying patterns and working on them in order to have a balanced sense of self and positive, healthy behaviors that accompany it.