Dependence to independence to Interdependence

Today we will look at something that everybody just lives, and never gives a second thought to. Every one of us knows what it is to have to depend on someone to do something we have asked them to do for us eg. To get a new fan installed, one is dependent on the electrician; everyone knows what it is to take charge and do something that no one else is willing to do or wants to do eg. While travelling we lift our own suitcase even though we can engage a porter; and we all know what it is to need something done from someone and how we have got that person to do it, getting a maid to clean up the way we want it, or having to get a colleague or friend to complete the task they are supposed to. We didn’t stop to think of these actions in psychological terms. Research has been conducted and the results have been defined in human experiential terms as the states of Dependence, Independence and Interdependence. All human beings go through these three phases of life and personality development in a most natural way. Yet some of us get stuck in some phase or move through them inappropriately and this causes imbalances in the personality and displayed character of people. For some it even leads to addiction and other mind disorders

Dependence: This phase in the most basic form is understood as the complete dependence of a baby. It is completely needy and dependent on the mother and other caretakers for everything. At later stages of development, the child learns to do things for itself   yet remains dependent on adults for direction, discipline, food, clothing and emotional support. Sometimes one does not completely become free of this dependency. This leads to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, self-anger and unhappiness with self. These create blocks that get suppressed but control our behaviors even in adulthood.

If we have not internally developed ourselves adequately, and depend on others to solve our problems, expect that someone will take care of us emotionally, financially, in decision making and many other ways, we will actually seek people who seem strong and latch onto them. Such emotionally dependent behavior creates a cycle of expectation – want – misery. Dependency creates weakness physically, mentally, emotionally and even intellectually.  The dependent person avoids making decisions, always deferring to others, even though it is harmful personally, and seems to match their feelings to the state of others. Their emotional dependency leads to seeking validation from outside events and people rather than within themselves. Such cycles could lead to anxiety, depression and even addiction.

This dependence can exhibit itself in some of these ways:

Dependence on substances, such as food, drugs, or alcohol, to fill the emptiness and take away the pain.

•             Dependency on processes such as spending, gambling, or TV, also to fill the emptiness and take away pain.

•             Dependence on money to define one’s worth and adequacy.

•             Dependence on getting someone’s love, approval, or attention to feel worthy, adequate, lovable, and safe.

•             Dependence on sex to fill emptiness and feel adequate.

If responsibility, for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your own inner sense of safety, is not taken, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy, and safe externally from others or from substances or processes. Dependency is the opposite of taking personal responsibility for one’s wellbeing.

Independence : As one grows older one is expected to become independent of family and develop one’s character and personality, to find ones place in society and become self-reliant. One is expected to become responsible for oneself, one’s feelings, emotions, attitudes, behavior, actions, decisions, finances etc. This Independence is called Maturing. One becomes self reliant in most aspects of life. An independent person is mostly self-sufficient and has learnt that one’s personal needs, desires and wants are one’s personal responsibility. The person trusts and relies on the learnt ability to take care of oneself. They have learnt and that they are free, not subject to the control of circumstances, that they need not rely on others to fulfill their requirements. They recognize that one’s feelings come from one’s own thoughts, beliefs, and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. They understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, and generally take emotional responsibility.

Yet independence can lead to arrogance. This makes one unable to ask for or accept help. Criticism and genuine feedback are taken as personal attacks. Love and needing emotional support are taken as signs of weakness. Self-reliant independence tells us that we are sufficient and need nobody. We develop the fear that if we need others, then there is something wrong and we are less than. This skewed self-image hardens us and leads down the road to a lonely existence thus creating a ripe environment for addiction to take root. Self reliance robs us of the guidance and experience of others. There is no reality check. It makes one live a self centered life in which there is no interdependence. A self centered person has no value for others except where they can be used to fulfill themselves. This could lead to alienation and isolation which leads to failures in life that further push one into seeking relief in intoxication.

Interdependence: As one matures, one realizes that one is not a complete island, that one has need for others, has to cooperate with others and that there is a vast world of which one is a part. This creates the need for Interdependence, where one has the freedom to be oneself with the opportunity to sublimate ego to become part of the greater whole. One realizes the need for mutual cooperation , that one cannot be truly independent nor completely dependent. In this world one has to live by both giving and receiving. The world is a functional place with each one contributing towards the welfare and needs of others. Such interdependence is natural. As every part of a machine must work properly for smooth running of the machine, similarly all individuals must perform their chosen roles in their own lives for the smooth running of society.  Interdependence is the law of life. It can be defined as the interconnectedness and the reliance on one another socially, economically, emotionally and environmentally. This is a state of mind and being that leads to mutuality, community and a synergy of qualities that leads to greater good.

 At Zorbacare the best rehab in India, the program takes addicts from dependence on alcohol or drugs to an expression of Individuality in ways that lead to becoming a required part of society.